2021
WHEN:
2021
HOW:
Dragged and stuck simultaneously, like a piece of flotsam caught on a stick in a fast flowing river in the swell of flooding.
WHERE:
Everywhere and nowhere, here and not, there and not, with them and not… stuck with myself always, yet far far away from every version of myself I have ever known.
WHAT:
All of the necessary things, plus many silly ones. Shouting and venting and stewing and sending out my frustrations into my relations with my loved ones. Regretting and guilt drenched and trying to wipe the slate clean, but falling into patterns I have always known even though they lead me nowhere I want to go.
WITH WHOM:
Not alone, always with, and perhaps that is the problem. I would miss them terribly were they not here, but I miss myself and my aloneness and can never seem to satiate the thirst for quiet and calm.
Other times they are everything… nourishing and perfect and worthwhile, but I feel confounded by the push and pull of their needs and my own.